The trouble with the internet...

Is that is contains just too much information. I have been searching for information on age over 43 pregnancies which then throws up such things as recurrent miscarriages and peoples own individual stories, some of which gives you great hope and others make you even more scared for the future.

I therefore think you need to act like a giant sieve trying to sort out which is applicable and what is not. The problem also comes from the fact that you start to believe you have a great deal of knowledge which as we all know is a very dangerous thing and makes you feel able to dispense advice. Whilst I have read each heart breaking story I have resisted in posting anything and just merely closed these sites down and made a pact with myself not to look at them again as they are not actually serving any purpose.

Your own strength comes from within and those around you who support, care and nuture you and whilst it is useful to share information and thoughts relatively anonomously my view is that in the long term it is only you who can organise thoughts and feelings and deal with them in a way that brings some relative peace to you.

The internet has also let me down in finding a waterpik and electric toothbrush combined, I am going back to catalogues and good old fashioned shopping...!

Is the first time the hardest or easiest

I have decided to start this blog as a way of dealing with personal tragedy, I was also inspired by a friend of mine who does the very same thing whilst dealing with Ovarian cancer.

So this is my first time and in true virginal blog mode I don't know if this is going to be easy or hard. Well the tragedy is that 2 weeks ago I suffered my 4th miscarriage. I had hoped that at 16 weeks I was a little safe from that trauma but nothing can stop the force of mother nature when she chooses to vent her anger.

I have no explanation why our son did not not want to hang on and meet his prospective parents all I know is that I am left with a gaping hole where my heart used to be. We are now in the hands of what we hope will be the answers to our prayers, the medical profession and their investigations of our young son and my blood.

In the meantime I try to go back to normality which means returning to work, I am lucky that I work from home and my office is down south while I life up t'north in a Northumbrian paradise. I live in splendid seclusion with my partner, his 12 year old daughter and 28 year old son, 2 dogs, 6 chickens and one neurotic cat. The seclusion has been my saviour over the past 2 weeks as we are not ones for passing visitors but now I have to come out of hiding and face the world. I really must rethink that "winning the lottery" strategy as an exit plan.